Self-denial and Self-love

A poem

There were times when I didn’t know the word self-love or, in other words, myself. I functioned pretty well, full of energy and always “on”. Life was clearly regulated: work, a lot of work, even more work, relaxing on vacation, going out, meeting people, organizing, planning… I used my free time to clean, to exercise in a rush or to do other things; you can always find something to do. So I was constantly doing. I can summarize this briefly here.

Looking back, it was a time of actively avoiding stillness or the ability to hear myself at all. I obeyed what I believed I had to do (my thoughts) and the outside world. I served myself-made and disconnected goals and what I thought were the expectations of others. I would probably have smiled at mindfulness practices with a slight arrogance. I didn’t need them. Silence was largely unknown to me and would have been a kind of boredom or even a threat. Then, who would I be, just like that, still? Free time always had to be filled up and somehow used.

In connection with peace and stillness, the phrase “we must kill time” is sometimes used. Violent language against yourself. Quiet time as an invitation to fight. Or: “Silence … I can’t do that.” Who can’t stand time with whom? Being more enemy than friend to yourself. Weird. And yet this restless behavior seems to be the most normal thing in the world. Everything else looks rather weird.

These restless times have changed for me. I’m happy. For some years now I have been intuitively on the way to leaving this phase of unconsciousness and self-denial behind, step by step. As I continue, I know how much creativity rest periods can bring and how well the mind can find new solutions and ideas off the beaten track. One’s inner voice gets more space. I admit I’m still swinging back and forth. Sometimes more to one side, sometimes more to the other. I am becoming more aware of self-denial today. It is no longer the only existing “illusory truth.” And that’s life. It offers many opportunities for learning.
Wonderful!

Two poems developed reflecting these opposites of being. They can be read individually or alternately, in mirror form. They could only arise because I have experienced both myself.

An invitation.