I am posting this love letter to my heart that I jotted down in my notebook a long time ago. A reminder to re-connect instead of disconnecting. Our body and especially our heart give us the signals to take care and to connect with ourselves. However, we have learned to overhear these signals and we prefer to follow the voice in our head, which is rarely the better advisor.
Dear heart.
It’s me and I wanted to get in touch with you.
I wanted to apologize to you.
I used to deny and suppress my needs, my inner tension, my sadness and my pain. I did not allow myself to follow you when I heard your voice. It was more important to me, or rather, I believed it was more correct to keep still, to go on, to adapt, instead of listening to you. I believed I would be weak if I followed you. I believed I would not be loved if I listened to you. I believed I would disappoint others if I acted according to you.
It seemed easier to just move on. Maybe next time I would listen to you more, but not now. I believed I had to endure a lot. I believed my needs were not so important. I just believed all that I thought.
I didn’t really hear you until you alerted me to my cancer disease. At that time you were very loud and fast, because you knew that I might overhear you again.
Today I know that the above is not true. I have caused you pain by going over and over you again. I want to sincerely apologize to you. For not seeing you. For separating myself from you so many times. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your music. Thank you for your unconditional love.
I hear you and I see you.
Marijana
Cologne, November 9th, 2020
